Prompt 18: "Try" #Reverb10

December 18 – Try
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?
(Author: Kaileen Elise)

 In 2011 I'd like to try living outside of Florida.  There. It's said, it's written, let it be done.

I don't think there was anything specific I had in mind for 2010 except to seek out happiness and find a job.  I did get a job, but it was more of a series of fortunate events that lead to it more than serious and consistent efforts on my part.  When I was looking for a job I found many job listings, but they all had so many applicants I wasn't surprised I was lost in the herd. When I didn't "go for it" I didn't get it, I don't know what big insight that's supposed to impart.  Not doing something means that thing doesn't happen.  Maybe it's just good to remind ourselves of that, especially if you're an expert at avoidance and procrastination.

Prompt 17: "Lesson Learned" #Reverb10

Alright, I have to say, maybe I'm just not taking time to reflect enough (sorry, it's hard enough to find to type the words that flow freely) but it really is starting to feel like these prompts are asking the same thing over and over again.  I think part of that is all the guest contributors.  If you ask 100 people to come up with a question in the vein of Reverb10's goals, they're going to be pretty similar.  I'm not involved enough to look into the selection process but it can be a little challenging to provide unique answers to repeat questions.

December 17 – Lesson Learned
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
(Author: Tara Weaver)

Reverb10 appealed to me because I'm terrible at self reflection.  One of the behaviors I've learned through my upbringing is to avoid taking responsibility for your actions, or avoid taking actions altogether.  It's a quality in my father that I loathe, and I should also point out that finding similarities between him and I is something else I loathe.  So generally, if I feel like I'm trying to weasel out of the blame or avoid taking responsibility anger will provide the bravery necessary to step up.

For the reason, it's important to reflect and identify those flaws.  The easy path is to just "be who you are", to accept the genetic combination of your two parents to have provided you with everything you can be, and the education of your experiences to be the only filter on the world you need.  The enlightened path is to strive to be more than the sum of your parts.  Although I know I hate self reflection, and would rather be unhappy than figure out why I'm unhappy or come up with an idea for a change, I'm making the effort in writing my thoughts and feelings out here.
 

SO.  Some of the lessons of 2010.  In order to help me remember more of what all happened over the course of an entire year, I'm going to check out this My Year in Status thing I've seen popping up around Facebook. 

 

 

How interesting.  If you don't get the GetCurious, that's my Facebook and Twitter account name.

Here's some of the points the year in status made me realize.  Apparently I was really disappointed by Google Wave, because I bash it three times in this tiny selection of my year.  The reference to Pixar is interesting because it brings up how touched I am by beautiful accomplishments and that extra effiort that goes a long way, I say how I didn't like Up! but I just recently watched Toy Story 3 and they more than redeemed themselves.  When I mentioned "How is it March already? and "Sorry whatever is happening Saturday, I've forgotten" it perfectly illustrates my absentmindedness when it comes to scheduling and dates and planning ahead, I should probably try to be more organized.

 

(It's not a coincidence that the year I finally graduated college was the first year I started using a day planner, but have since stopped because there's little to go into it.  2011 must change this > I < must change this in 2011.)

"I shouldn't have internet connection whilst intoxicated" is universally applicable.  I'm glad I had the prescience to point that out before I did whatever stupid decisions followed.  I've never been a problematic drunk person, but I think this year was relatively tame compared to the end of college.  Except for the Four Loko experiment, which I admit that I enjoyed and would gladly repeat.

LOST ending sucked.  In 2009, when I was very depressed, one of my thoughts was "Well suicide isn't an option because LOST isn't done yet and I have to see how this turns out."  It's a good thing I was feeling much better by March of this year.  The fact is, there's always something worth living for, even if you can't name it yet.

I had forgotten how much fun we had driving that 2010 Chevy Camaro rental.  I really did change behind that wheel.  Deep down I harbor a self image that has class and style, that has great sex appeal and doesn't let the world's issues interfere with his life, has money and ambition and enjoys every day more than the last.  I'm pretty sure that version of me drives a 2010 Camaro, wherever he wants to.

So if I have an idea of a version of myself that lives like that, what are some of the things that hold me back? I can make a pretty quick list:  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of violence or ridicule,  confusion on how to make my ideas work, expectations from others to behave otherwise.  It's amazing, even at 27, how much I still behave like my 14 year old self.  I think most of my friends have learned how to live their own lives, and I don't actively do that, I do so passively.  If that's a lesson I learned in 2010 then in the year ahead I need to take better responsibility for who I am, and if I want to be someone other than who I am, take responsibility for that man too, because the only way they're going to meet is through me.

How's that for unique reply, stupid prompt 17 ((Also, Tara Weaver, author of prompt 17, sorry for the bashing, it would have been a great prompt )) and look at that response! I'm going to have to reread this later, after I get out of the house and go meet a new friend with an old friend for dinner.  (Maybe I'll pretend I'm driving a Camaro on the way there ;)

Prompt 16: "Friendship" #Reverb10

December 16 – Friendship
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
(Author: Martha Mihalick)

I'm really not the "sudden burst" of insight type.  Occasionally a quote or a message will really open my eyes, but I'll still spend hours pondering why afterward.  There have been a few positive changes in my life in 2010 that I would say are the result of specific friends.  I'm really trying to find a balance between therapeutic writing for myself and keeping it brief for a reader, as few of those as may be.

I already touched briefly on my struggles not to rely to heavily on one friend, I think I started to become more aware of this in spring of 2009 but it's a gradual process that I relapse into all the time.  As stated in that post, we're hard wired to find someone to share our lives with, but in my case the wiring is fine but the software has a pointer set to the wrong address.  What a complex metaphor.  I'm fixated on the wrong person.  Gradual changes for that one.

In 2010 my friend Laura got me going to the gym again.  2007 was a great year for me fitness-wise.  It was mostly motivated by sex, but I had the time and the opportunity to exercise and enjoyed it.  When I stopped having the time and the enthusiasm for it, it wore off.  This year I enjoyed going again thanks to the support and insistance of my gym buddy Laura.  She had to stop shortly after I started, but I've stayed strong mostly since.  I've had some hiccups, when my iPod wasn't working, around Thanksgiving when I was traveling, and lately when I was sick, but I'm still committed.  Similar to my writing, the difference is my commitment.  It's ok to take breaks because I know it's still important to me to continue.

My friend Kyle taught me a good lesson this year.  We had always been casual friends until we became roommates.  His life is about five times busier than mine, and he likes it that way.  I may just be a more lazy person, but I admire his motivation and ability to physically stay active when others would become exhausted.  I learned from Kyle this year how to build a friendship of convenience and how to let that friendship fade back into a casual one after that ends.  When I was young my family moved every three years, and I just got use to it.  I was friends until I moved and then I started trying to find new friends at my new home.  (Insightfully I just realized that's also why I'm pretty likely to fixate on one person and build a single strong connection I can rely on than to try and cultivate many.)  Anyway, Kyle didn't intend any malice but when he moved away for med school this year he has just been so busy that staying in touch hasn't been a priority and he didn't have any reason to try to cram that into his schedule.  For me, that was disheartening, but it's also been revealing for my own behavior and learning to adapt.

My friend Jon continues to serve as an optimistic point of view, and did so today in fact, but changes in his life this year have been a very strong indicator that the path that society pressures us all to take isn't the best or only option.  Jon's 2010 has been very successful and I think it's because he takes the time to keep a level head, is patient for the good things in life to come to him, and willing to put in the hard work for the distant reward.  Each time he reminds me of these things I hope that they'll sink in.

The young parent friends I get to see regularly have had some beautiful lessons this year.  Carla and Chris have done such a great job with their son, despite having to "make it work" more often than not.  When I start pitying myself thinking about how much they accomplish with the help of each other and their friends usually helps me turn my pity into motivation.  Joey and Erin have such a great family too, and I never expected Joey to be in such a great place (abstractly) at this point.  He faced much of the same setbacks I did, even our apartment fire, and he's recovered gracefully.  Watching his little girls grow is so amazing and triggers paternal instincts in me that I never knew existed.  I'm so grateful to share in their experiences and very grateful that Joey and Erin found each other.

The prompt also asks who has helped change my perspective on the world this year, and I will say that the French and British users on Twitter that I've come to follow and had conversations with have helped me feel a lot better about my US sense of entitlement.  Where I might be living at home again, the twenty-seven year old boy in the UK expects his mother to do his laundry and bring him home a happy meal too.  That's a specific example, and I'm sure there are much more practical people as well, but I haven't made social connections on the other continents this year, the main change in my world perspective is that European young adults are just as lazy and confused as we are, which is a small comfort if you ignore how much larger it makes the issue of our entitled unemployment lifestyles.

Prompt 14: "Appreciate"

December 14 – Appreciate
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
(Author: Victoria Klein)

The "thing" I appreciate the most is my smart phone, because it has all the answers to the questions I come up with, it keeps me connected socially (even if it's on a superficial level it seems to satisfy the psychological need), and it saves and shows me my music and pictures whenever I want.  Sorry there isn't any deeper reflection here, that's the facts and the prompt was very simple.  I express gratitude for it by using it everywhere and the unique shape makes it a walking advertisement for the product, this isn't intentional, again it's just the facts.

More interestingly, I appreciate that my parents didn't object to me moving back in at the end of the summer.  Just because they expected it didn't mean they had to make it an easy transition.  Mostly they leave me alone, and when they can they try not to wake me up when I'm trying to sleep in.  I eat out of their pantry and that's more hospitality than I'd want to allow, especially when the last brownies or cookies are gone if I were coming home from a day of work.  As for how I show gratitude, not nearly enough.  I try to be helpful and share the work, and stay out of their business.  I think they enjoy the third voice in conversations and having someone else to talk with so they don't drive each other AS crazy.  Still, that's not a lot of gratitude being expressed.

(I'm now ALMOST caught up with Reverb10 prompts)